i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
