I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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