currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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