Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize