maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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