i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
