i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
