Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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