I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
