I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
