Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
