we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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