my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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