Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
...so i touched it.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
