Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
