Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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