You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize