my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
