Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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