good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
a search helicopter?!
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
