We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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