Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize