I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
