This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
