I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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