Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
