her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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