Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
