If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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