Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
