He is like the real live version of the state fair..
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
