my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
