Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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