you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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