____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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