oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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