Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
