the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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