She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
