new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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