Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
