I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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