You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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