my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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