That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
