...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
