i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
