she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
