If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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