I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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