I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
