last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
