It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
