ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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