who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
this beer tastes like vomit already
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
