Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
