What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
