and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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