I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
