how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize