I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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