I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
