I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
