we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
