I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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