sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
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