i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
