somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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